Tuesday, April 20, 2010

If I could turn back time....

I've been delving a lot into my past recently and feeling somewhat guilty about it.  There is no shortage of advice that keeps saying the same thing:  keep your eyes on the road - you can't move forward if you keep looking backward.

But I admit it, as I get older, I find some comfort in looking back. There is a sort of security that comes from obsessing on moments in your past that happen  before you were responsible for the decisions you made.  Also, there's the exercise of trying to figure out what the hell I did  to deserve this. (Ok, I'm just noticing how many song cues I have in this article.)

In my family, waning nostalgic was like squirting lighter fluid on a bonfire.  After a few Mooseheads, someone would bring up some old story of real or imagined betrayal and soon the Moosehead bottles would become missiles.  My family kept things pretty simple - no rememberin' when you're drinkin'.

I know, regrets are futile and "would haves" and "could haves" only lead to the futility of self absorption and navel - gazing; which is not as fun as "naval" gazing. (cue gratuitous photo).

But Edith Piaf aside, how do you not regret?  Surely there have been turns in the road that you wished you would have taken.  What if?

I know that I can't go back and "Turn Back Time", but is it too late to turn around and re-visit that  fork in the road?

And that's where I find myself today - more mature, less idealistic and very much more honest about who I am.  As I continue to dig deeper inside me to find that kernel of what Ray is, I can only hope that I'm not reaching for my walker when the epiphany strikes.

All the experiences in my life have brought me to this place. Yep, there were some very bad ones; personal losses, professional disappointments and health issues;  I continue to heal and learn from those.  From all the good things that happened in my life; my family, my friends, my accomplishments - they provide the salve and validation to continue moving forward.

So now, as I approach my sixth decade on earth, I am embarking on a new career.  I'm not sure if I will succeed and that's totally OK because just doing this without safety net is completely new for me.  Taking a chance and not looking back is something I haven't done since my twenties when I believed I could do anything. That was before I wrote a completely different script for myself than the one I had imagined while watching classic movies and TV variety shows.

I might not be able to turn back time, but I can make the most of the time that I still have - to make the most of me.


  1. Paul Meunier-Collins21/4/10 06:54

    You go for it, cuz! Love you much!

  2. Anonymous22/4/10 10:05

    This deserves a get-together and a chat. I would love to share some of the idealistic, irresponsible decisions I took when I was 18 and that still have repercussions in my life today. It’s sometimes hard to believe that my choice then could have an impact on the way I’ve lived since then. It was all so simple then. Or has time rewritten every line? WMP


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